In addition to his
interview,
Jeff Povey also critiqued the first-draft of my first
ever script. Although most filmmakers are a little bit
more realistic these days, we all believe deep down that
we can sit down and write a good script at the first
attempt. The script below (including annotated
criticism from Jeff) is a great example of just
why rewrites are needed. Jeff has gone in and been
as picky as any script editor he has ever met.
The film SNAIL THEORY is a film that intends to explore
a new strand of chaos theory - 'snail theory'. The
film does this by juxtaposing
the slow and fun lives of snails, with the fast paced
pursuits of man. Occasionally, when the two cross, a
ripple effect is created which can effect some people's
days in a small way, and others in a dramatic way.
Needless to say, the script is currently under a rewrite
after Jeff's words of advise....
SNAIL THEORY.
- By Michael Bartlett and Stuart Folley
- Criticism by Jeff Povey (Proceeded by
asterixes)
EXT. HAIG AVENUE. DAY
It is a peaceful, sunny day.
******** DON'T BANK ON THE WEATHER
We notice a young man, CLIVE, leave his
******** 'WE NOTICE...?' WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
******** NOT A VERY CINEMATIC OR ATTENTION GRABBING OPENING.
******** THIS SCENE HAS TO GRAB US AND LEAVE US WANTING MORE.
******** A MAN GETTING INTO A CAR? NOT GREAT...
house, and make his way to his car, which is
parked across the street. Clive is
casually but smartly dressed, and is finishing
off a can of drink in a hurry. As he unlocks his
car, he glances over his shoulder, sees no-one is
******** MUCH BETTER IF HE DOESN'T CARE THAT HE THROWS
******** THE CAN AWAY. SAYS MORE ABOUT HIS CHARACTER.
******** IN SHORT FILMS YOU NEED VERY QUICK WAYS TO GET
******** THE CHARACTER ACROSS.
about, then throws the can onto the pavement.
It clatters about before settling, and a small amount
of the liquid fizzes out onto the ground.
We ZOOM IN towards the can, and then begin to PAN
along the width of the pavement as we hear
Clive's car pull away and set off on its journey.
Our PAN halts at a single SNAIL, the only
witness to his crime. The snail has already begun
to move towards the can.
SNAIL (SUBTITLED)
(The snail speaks a cute, incomprehensible language)
Mmmmmm. (licking its lips) Finders Keepers!
As the snail continues its dash across the pavement,
a distant and iterative thud is heard. The thud sends
ripples through the spillage of drink. The snail swings
its heads around and to its horror sees a man
running down the street, headed right for it.
The man, JIMMY, has no idea that the snail is in
his path. He comes thundering down the road.
******** HOW OLD IS JIMMY, ARE WE MEANT TO LIKE HIM,
******** WHAT ARE WE MANT TO FEEL ABOUT HIM?***
His shadow reaches over the snail.
SNAIL
(screaming!!!)
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jimmy hears a large crunching noise under his foot
and suddenly stops. He leans against a wall, to
enquire under his shoe.
JIMMY
(Panting, sweating)
Oh, for Heaven's sake, what next?!?
******** OOPS. DIALOGUE WARNING. NO ONE SPEAKS LIKE THAT.
******** HIS LANGUAGE SHOULD INDICATE HIS CHARACTER. ALSO
******** WHAT DOS HE MEAN WHEN HE SAYS WHAT NEXT? WE HAVEN'T
******** SEEN ANYTHING ELSE HAPPEN TO HIM.
Jimmy's dress is business,
and no doubt his frenzied sprint was for some
******** HOW ON EARTH DO WE KNOW HIS SPRINT WAS FOR A
******** BUSINESS RELATED REASON? HE COULD BE RUNING FROM
******** THE COPS, HE COULD BE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
******** YOU CAN'T MAKE STATEMENTS LIKE THIS. YOU'RE
******** PRESUMING THE AUDIENCE KNOWS AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
business-related reason. He carries a small
briefcase.
He begins to scrub his shoe against
the curb vigorously, so that there will be no
trace of slug on such well-shined shoes.
******** SMALL POINT BUT WHO'S GOING TO BE LOOKING AT THE
******** UNDERSOLES OF HIS SHOES? DO SOMETHING MORE WITH IT.
******** MAYBE HE TRIES TO WALK ONWARDS BUT THE CRUSHED
******** SNAIL MAKES HIM LIMP AND HE IS FORCED TO STOP
******** AND WIPE IT OFF. REMEMBER THE MAN IS IN A HURRY.
EXT. TRAIN STATION. DAY
LATER
Jimmy comes flailing around the corner, desperately
trying to hold onto his briefcase.
******** IS THE BRIEFCASE SLIPPERY OR SOMETHING? MOST HAVE
******** HANDLES. ALSO MOST YOUNG GUYS DON'T CARRY BRIEFCASES
******** NOWADAYS. TRY AND ROUND HIS CHARACTER OUT MORE, A
******** LITTLE BIT OF IDIOSYNCRANCY WOULDN'T GO AMISS.
******** IF HE'S IN A HURRY MAYBE HE'S GOT ALL HIS IMPORTANT
******** PAPERS STUFFED IN SOMETHING UNUSUAL. WHAT YOU HAVE
******** TO DO IS REALLY ESTABLISH THAT HE IS IN SUCH A HURRY
******** THAT IT IS LIFE OR DEATH.
He runs into the grounds of the train station, but
is stopped dead in his tracks when he sees the last
taxi pull out of the rank.
For a moment all he
can do is stand there and stare.
After some deep breaths, he finally pulls his mobile
out of his pocket and begins to dial a number.
JIMMY
(Pretending to be composed)
Oh, good afternoon. Yes, I was wondering if
I could, um, speak with MR GILES RICHARDS from
'ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES'. I, um,
.. I have an important meeting with him which
is scheduled to begin in five minutes and I'm
afraid I've been unforceeably delayed.
..
Oh, um, JIM DAY. He'll know who I am.
...
Yep, that's right.
(Checking his watch).
Thank you very much.
******** DIALOGUE WARNING. GIVE HIM A CHARACTER. THINK OF A
******** TRAIT FOR JIMMY, STICK WITH IT AND THEN TRY AND FIND
******** OUT HOW HE WOULD SPEAK. IF HE WAS A CHARMER HE WOULD
******** CHARM, IF HE WAS A LIAR HE WOULD LIE AND SO ON.
******** THIS IS LIKE A ROBOT SPEAKING. AND HE CAN'T BE
******** COMPOSED... NO WAY! THINKING ABOUT IT HE MIGHT MAKE
******** UP A TON OF EXCUSES BECAUSE THAT IS GENERALLY WHAT
******** PEOPLE DO. DON'T OVERDO IT THOUGH. PHONE CONVERSATIONS
******** ARE DULL AT THE BEST OF TIMES SO KEEP IT MUCH SHORTER.
Jimmy hopelessly looks back and forth between
his watch and the road leading into the station
as he waits for his call to be picked up. No more
taxis seem on the horizon.
******** HAVE TO SAY THAT THIS IS CONFUSING BECAUSE IT LOOKS
******** LIKE HE'S BEEN RUNING FOR A TRAIN WHEN ALL THE TIME
******** HE'S AFTER A CAB. AN AUDIENCE WOULD ASK THEMSELVES
******** WHY HE HASN'T TRIED HAILING A CAB, WHY HASN'T HE
******** PHONED FOR ONE ETC. THE TRAIN STATON WILL BE
******** EXPENSIVE SO LOSE IT TO AVOID ANY CONFUSION.
******** I'M ASKING MYSELF WHY HE DOESN'T GET ON THE TRAIN.
******** THOUGH YOU COULD USE IT. HE MISSES HIS TRAIN AND
******** THEREFORE HE NOW HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO GET A TAXI.
******** THAT'S THE OBVIOUS ROUTE HERE.
INT. TRAIN STATION. DAY
A young woman, AMY, gets off a train. She is
casually dressed and has a small bag which she is
digging through. From her expression we can see that
she is very upset. She holds a tissue between her
fingers, which she has used to wipe away her tears.
******** COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE.
******** I.E. ARE THEY ATTRACTIVE, SEXY, YOUNG, WHAT?
******** I'M NOT GETTING ANY REAL IMAGE OF THIS WOMAN.
******** AND AGAIN I WANT TO KNOW IF I'M MEANT TO CARE
******** ABOUT HER OR NOT.
We TRACK alongside Amy, as she walks along
the platform and towards the exit of the train station.
EXT. TRAIN STATION. DAY
Jimmy appears at the entrance of the station, heading
towards
Amy. He appears uncomfortable and frustrated.
JIMMY
(Frustrated)
NO!!! - I'M SAYING YOU CAN'T JUST CANCEL, I'LL BE...
******** WHO IS HE TALKING TO? I PRESUME HE'S TALKING INTO
******** THE PHONE BUT THERE IS NO CLEAR INDICATION OF THIS.
CLOSE UP OF JIMMY
Amy collides with Jimmy's shoulder.
OVERALL SHOT
Amy whimpers in despair as her
bag falls on the floor and its contents spill out.
CLOSE UP ON AMY'S KEYS (Which have fallen under a parked car,
unknown to her)
AMY'S POV: Jimmy walks on oblivious, still wrapped
******** IF HE'S WRAPPED UP IN HIS CALL THEN WE'LL HAVE TO HEAR
******** WHAT HE'S SAYING. ALSO THERE SHOULD BE SOME INTERACTION
******** BETWEEN THE TWO. NO ONE BUMPS INTO SOMEONE ELSE WITHOUT
******** SAYING SOMETHING. USE THIS MOMENT TO INDICATE THEIR
******** CHARACTERS.
up in his call. Amy watches him disappear around the corner
in disbelief.
MEDIUM SHOT OF AMY
Amy begins to gather her items from the floor and put
them back in her bag.
LATER
EXT. AMY'S HOUSE. DAY
Amy is at her door looking confused and angry. She is
******** TIP: STICK TO ONE EMOTION.
rummaging around in her bag, obviously looking for her
keys. A small snail watches her.
Snail's POV: Amy kneels down and starts piling the contents
out of
her bag onto the garden path.
AMY
(through her teeth)
UUURGGHH!!! GODAMMIT!
******** NOT SURE WHAT THIS DIALOGUE IS CONVEYING. I'D BE
******** INCLINED TO USE ACTIONS RATHER THAN WORDS.
******** WHEN AN ACTRESS COMES TO DO THIS SHE MAY IMPROVISE
******** A WORD OR SOMETHING.
Amy throws the bag down in anger. She puts the contents
back in, now certain she has lost her keys.
INT. NEIGHBOUR'S HOUSE. DAY
******** AMY WOULD HAVE TO KNOW THE COUPLE WELL TO
******** JUSTIFY KNOCKING ON THEIR DOOR - OTHERWISE
******** SHE WOULD USE A PHONE BOX.
******** AMY HAS TO EXPLAIN WHO SHE IS. IN TERMS OF A GAG
******** WORKING SHE WOULD KNOW THEM INSIDE OUT AND THEN BE
******** ASTONISHED TO DISCOVER THEM DOING SOMETHING THAT
******** SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE DREAMED OF THEM DOING.
We see the distorted face of Amy through the glass. She
begins knocking on the door.
She knocks again after no response.
The Letterbox opens.
CLOSE UP ON AMY'S EYES
AMY
HELLO!?!? Is anyone home?!?
EXT. NEIGHBOUR'S HOUSE. DAY
Just as Amy is about to give up, the door opens. A LARGE
MAN stands at the door looking flustered. He is dressed in
only a bath robe. Amy immediately realises she has
interrupted something.
AMY
(Smiling, trying to act natural)
Oh hiya! er -
(biting lip)
- I was wondering
if I could use your phone? I live a few doors
up .. and I've lost my - er - keys .. and I need
to call my husband so he can let me in.
The large man pauses, then steps back.
LARGE MAN
(politely, but inconvenienced)
Of course, please come in.
INT NEIGHBOUR'S HOUSE - DAY
HALLWAY
We see the large man usher Amy in from the doorway.
LARGE MAN
The phone is just here.
AMY
Thank you; I really appreciate this.
Amy picks up the phone and keeps an eye on the large
man who disappears into what seems to be the
living room. She dials the number.
INT. RESEARCH LAB. DAY
******** RESEARCH LAB CONJURES UP FAR TOO MANY POSSIBILITIES,
******** NONE OF WHICH YOU USE. STICK WITH BUSINESS COMPLEX
******** OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT IF SERVES NOTHING MORE IN THE
******** STORY THAN TO BE MERELY SOMEONE'S PLACE OF WORK.
BOARDROOM
A mobile phone rings. The only man in the
room is STUART. He is dressed like a typical
young executive. He is scrambling some papers
together and getting ready to leave. He
takes his mobile from his jacket and receives the
call.
******** SAVE YOURSELF SOME SUPERFLUOUS DIALOGUE AND GET TO
******** THE POINT OF THE PHONE CALL.
STUART
Hello, Stuart Enwright.
CUT TO AMY
AMY
Hi babe, It's me.
STUART
Hey sweety - you alright?
AMY
(Unconvincingly)
Yeah (sigh) I guess.
STUART
What's wrong?
******** HE'D GUESS SHE DIDN'T GET THE PART, SO
******** THIS IS UNNECESSARY.
AMY
Nohting.
STUART
So how was the audition?
******** ONLY NOW WE LEARN THAT SHE'S AN ASPIRING ACTRESS?
******** WAY, WAY, TOO LATE. THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE
******** EARLIER WHEN YOU ESTABLISH HER CHARACTER.
AMY
I didn't get the part.
She whimpers.
AMY
I've had such a bad day, babe.
******** WHAT A WHINGER ... NEVER HAVE CHARACTERS FEELING
******** SORRY FOR THEMSELVES. IT'S A BIG NO NO.***
First I lost my phone ... probably
on the train knowing my luck, and now
I've gone and lost my keys
CUT TO STUART
EXT. RESEARCH CENTRE. DAY
He is walking out of a building and into a car park.
STUART
Oh, Ame! (Sigh). Well where are you now?
AMY
I'm at a neighbour's - they're letting me use
their phone.
STAURT
Well look - I'll take an early lunch ...
I'm coming home now ...
******** ONE IMPORTANT POINT. PUT THE STAGE DIRECTIONS IN
******** CAPITALS. DIALOGUE SHOULD BE IN LOWER CASE AND
******** ONLY PUT IN UPPER CASE WHEN SOMEONE IS SHOUTING.
******** ALSO HOW COME HE CAN JUST WALK OUT OF WORK AND RIDE
******** TO HER RESCUE? NO ONE HAS A JOB LIKE THAT.
******** MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR YOUR CHARACTERS TO ACHIEVE
******** WHAT THEY WANT. PUT OBSTACLES IN THEIR WAY.
******** ALSO I'VE LOST SIGHT OF JIM'S STORY NOW.
******** WHERE'S HE DISAPPEARED TO? KEEP HIM IN THE
******** FRAME SOMEHOW.
He unlocks his car and gets in.
STUART
We were supposed to be having a meeting
today, but fortunately GILES cancelled it.
******** WEAK DIALOGUE, WEAK PLOTTING. DOES HE ONLY DO ONE
******** MEETING A DAY? MAKE IT HARDER FOR HIM. ALSO
******** CONFUSED ME ABOUT JIM, AS IT NOW LOOKS AS THOUGH
******** HE WAS THE ONE HAVING A MEETING WITH STUART BUT
******** HASN'T ARRIVED. IN FACT WHY HAVEN'T YOU TIED
******** THESE STRANDS TOGETHER? I THINK YOU SHOULD THINK
******** ABOUT IT. THERE MIGHT BE TOO MANY CHARACTERS AS IT IS.
AMY
(Still very upset)
Yeah...
INT. STUART'S CAR. DAY.
He begins to reverse
STUART
Don't worry okay. Nothing
that bad has really happened.
Everything'll be just fine ...
His car strikes someone.
******** INTERSTING DILEMMA. DO WE SET THIS GAG UP SO
******** THE AUDIENCE KNOW IT'S COMING OR DO WE GO FOR
******** THE SURPRISE? I SOMETIMES LIKE TO SEE IT COMING
******** AS IT UPS THE WINCE FACTOR. ALSO STUNTS ARE EXPENSIVE.
EXT. RESEARCH LAB CAR PARK. DAY
A few people run to surround a body that
is laying behind Stuart's car. Stuart
hurries from his car to see what has
happened.
We see that Clive is the man who has been
hit. He is still conscious, but grimacing as
he lays holding his stomach.
He can hear people shouting, but it all sounds
like a dream. Muffled voices seem to be shouting
'CALL AN AMBULANCE', 'DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED',
and 'IS HE OKAY'.
Clive opens his eyes and looks along the car park.
Across from him some snails have gathered.
They just watch, silently.
We ZOOM in on one of them.
We then ZOOM in on Clive's eyes.
******** WHY? WHAT IS HE LOOKING AT? WHAT IS HE THINKING?
******** WHAT IS HE FEELING? DONT UNDERSTAND THIS STAGE
******** DIRECTION AT ALL.
EXT. HAIG AVENUE. DAY
We realise we are back in Haig Avenue where the story began.
We are looking at the very first snail.
It is a peaceful, sunny day.
******** SO WE'RE BACK IN THE PAST NOW. THINK I KNOW
******** WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THE STARING EYES IN
******** THE PREVIOUS SCENE BUT NEED YOU TO ALLUDE TO
******** IT IN THE SCRIPT.
Clive leaves his house, and makes his way to his
car, which is parked across the street.
He carries a can of drink, which he is trying
to consume in a hurry.
SNAIL'S POV: He gets into his car, and then places
the can into the storage space in the side of the driver's
door.
SNAIL (SUBTITLE)
(In a disappointed snail tone)
Oooohhh!!!
OVERALL SHOT
Clive then pulls away and sets off on his journey.
CLOSE UP OF THE SNAIL
We see the snail sitting quietly. The camera then begins to
vibrate occasionally to an iterative thud. The snail is
perturbed.
SNAIL'S POV:
The snail swings his head round and sees a man running down
the street. It's Jimmy.
He has no idea that the snail is in
his path. He comes thundering down the road.
His shadow reaches over the snail.
SNAIL
(screaming!!!)
NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CLOSE UP ON SNAIL
The SNAIL rears its head from its shell and realises its
lucky escape;
if it had been nearer the centre of the pavement it would
have been
squashed. It
watches Jimmy disappear into the distance.
EXT. TRAIN STATION. DAY
Jimmy comes flailing around the corner, desperately
trying to hold onto his briefcase.
As he runs into the grounds of
of the train station, he sees there is one taxi left
and no queue.
JIMMY
(strained, looking up)
THANK YOU GOD!
Jimmy runs to the cab and gets into the back.
INT. TRAIN STATION. DAY
Amy gets off a train. She is
casually dressed and has a small bag which she is
digging through. From her expression we can see that
she is very upset. She holds a tissue between her
fingers, which she has used to wipe away her tears.
We TRACK alongside Amy, as she walks along
the platform and towards the exit of the train station.
She is oblivious to everything around her
as she rummages about in her bag for her phone,
but luckily she doesn't bump into anything.
LATER
EXT. RESEARCH LAB CAR PARK. DAY
The cab pulls up in the car park of the Research Lab.
Jimmy jumps out.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
INT. RESERACH LAB RECEPTION. DAY
RECEPTIONIST'S POV: Jimmy sits quietly in reception
reading a paper.
Clive emerges with another man - possibly Giles -
and holds his hand out. The men shake hands, sharing
a joke and then begin to walk up the stairs.
EXT. AMY'S HOUSE. DAY
CLOSE UP ON SNAIL
FOCUS CHANGES to show us that the snail is watching AMY.
She moves quickly up her garden path with her KEYS in her
hand.
INT. AMY'S HOUSE. DAY
Amy opens the door with her KEYS, moves into the hallway and picks
up the phone.
CLOSE UP on the phone's key pad
Amy selects 'STUART MOBILE' from the list.
MEDIUM SHOT OF AMY
Amy moves into the living room and sits down. After
a brief pause we hear a message:
'WELCOME TO THE VOICEMAIL FOR...'
Amy, frustrated that she cannot get through, hangs up
before the voicemail becomes active. She raises her hand
to her head and sighs. Taking deep breaths, she stares into
space.
INT. RESEARCH LAB. DAY
BOARDROOM
We ZOOM back from two hands shaking. Stuart and Jimmy
have signed a deal. Other employees around the table are
talking
amongst themselves looking very pleased with themselves.
OUTSIDE THE BOARDROOM
We see Stuart leave. Once the door is closed behind him,
he holds his clenched fist before him, grits his teeth and
squints with
pleasure. He is pleased with the way the meeting went.
STUART
YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!
We TRACK Stuart as he goes outside for a breath of fresh
air.
As he walks across the car park, we see Clive getting out of
his car.
Clive begins to walk in our direction. As the two pass, we
begin to TRACK Clive instead. Stuart walks off looking up
into the sky
ever so happy.
Clive walks across the car park.
FAR SHOT
As he exits the car park we see where he was going. A
burger van.
LATER
Clive has bought a burger and a can of drink. He sets the
drink down on the wall next to him and focuses on the burger.
CUT TO CAN
The can blows over in the wind and falls the other side of
the wall. Clive has no idea. The radio playing from the
burger van has masked the can falling.
IN TIME TO THE MUSIC
The can begins a journey down a rather steep road.
WE TRACK THE CAN AND THEN STOP DEAD ON A SNAIL
WHO HAS WATCHED IT ROLL BY.
The snail is pleased, and makes a cute sigh,
indicating his happiness.
THE BURGER VAN
Clive bites into the burger. It is good. He sighs and looks
up in pleasure.
INT. A BED ROOM. DAY
******** LOSE THIS STRAND, IT'S NOT NEEDED AND
******** ADDS EXTRA CHARACTERS TO THE STORY.
A dark sultry room. We PAN from one side to another
to reveal a couple lying next to and facing each
other,
contentment and smug grins adorn
their faces. One of them is the Large man. The couple both
lay back dizzily and look up to the heavens in pleasure.
INT. AMY'S HOUSE LOUNGE. DAY
CLOSE UP OF AMY LOOKING UP
Amy sits alone, silent and angry. She is thinking about
something, but we do not
know what. She is distracted from her musing when
We hear a ting - ting - ting outside.
Amy gets up, moves slowly to the window and focuses on the
object which is creating the noise..
EXT. STREET. DAY
A deserted street, the only movement is a can as it
rolls down the street TOWARDS THE
CAMERA AT STREET LEVEL.
A SNAIL voice can be heard from within - it sounds ill.
******** ENHANCE THIS - IS IT COUGHING OR SOMETHING?
The can abruptly halts and a snail's head slowly appears
from within.
In the background we see amy leave her house. She walks
to her car, gets in (slamming the door) and starts the car.
She is still very upset. We PAN back to the snail.
SNAILS POV: the world seems to spin - everything seems to
be in double. He hears a car screeching away - the noise
is echoey and deafening.
The SNAIL is under the influence of the can's original
content, not to
mention the roller coaster of the can ride!
It stumbles out of the can.
SNAIL(SUBTITLE)
(fluttering)
I don't feel so good.
Snail's POV: The Snail Burps aloud, then collapses.
A BROAD SHOT OF THE ROAD
The snail lies sideways alongside the can. We PULL BACK
until we are at a garden wall. Two snails are watching what
happened.
SNAIL1(SUBTITLED)
Okay, it's my go next!
SNAIL2(SUBTITLED)
Oh really??? Race you!
EXT. BURGER VAN. DAY
CLOSE UP OF A BIN
Clive throws away his rubbish. We then TRACK him as he walks
back across the car park to get to his car.
CUT TO AMY
A phone starts ringing. She starts thrashing her
hand about in the glove compartment, searching for it,
not paying too much attention to the road.
She finds it.
AMY
Oh, thank God!!
She answers.
AMY
Hello? ... Oh, Hi babe.
EXT. RESEARCG CENTRE. DAY.
CUT TO SHOT OF CAR
THE CAR DRIVES INTO THE CAR PARK NEXT TO THE
RESEARCH CENTRE.
CLOSE UP ON AMY'S FACE
We see Amy looking intently as she drives through the car park,
looking for a spare space.
AMY
(On the phone to Stuart)
I'm driving into the
car park now. I've had such
a bad day so I thought I'd
come see you at work.
******** MORE WHINGING SELF PITY.
CUT TO CLIVE
EXT. RESEARCH CENTRE CAR PARK. DAY.
Clive is wandering along the car park.
CUT TO AMY
INT. AMY'S CAR DRIVING THROUGH RESEARCH CENTRE. DAY.
AMY
Yeah ... and you know where I
******** SHE HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN TELLING STUART ABOUT LOSING
******** THE PHONE WHILE WE WERE WATCHING CLIVE. SHE
******** SHOULD HAVE BEEN UPSET ABOUT THE AUDITION.
******** THE PROBLEMS IS THAT WE DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANT
******** TO HER BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T SEEN IT. REPORTED ACTION
******** TRYING TO WIN SYMPATHY IS ANOTHER NO GO AREA.
found it? In the glove compartment
just a second ago when you called.
She spies a place in the distance; puts her foot down.
She glides it into the bay.
CUT TO CLIVE
EXT. RESEARCH CENTRE CAR PARK. DAY.
Moving along behind a row of cars.
CUT TO AMY
INT. AMY'S CAR DRIVING THROUGH RESEARCH CENTRE. DAY.
AMY
Awww ... Congrats babe. I knew the
meeting would go well. I've got a feeling
today won't be such a bad day after all..
(She goes to close the Glove Compartment,
not paying attention to her rear-view mirror).
Reversing, she strikes something.
EXT. RESEARCH LAB CAR PARK. DAY
A few people run to surround a body that
is laying behind Amy's car. Amy
hurries from her car to see what has
happened.
We see that Clive is the man who has been
hit. He is still conscious, but grimacing as
he lays holding his stomach.
He can hear people shouting, but it all sounds
like a dream. Muffled voices seem to be shouting
'CALL AN AMBULANCE', 'DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED',
and 'IS HE OKAY'.
Clive opens his eyes and looks along the car park.
Across from him some snails have gathered.
They just watch, silently.
SCREEN TO BLACK.